I truly do find life boring, everything about it is dull to my eyes, from the wonders to the fears, nothing about life is special to me, and yet my biological programming demands I live according to a natural purpose. To grow, procreate, and die is what I am programmed to do, just like many others. Though as humans it is also innate for us to find our existence special and unique, this ideal creates in us a delusional belief where we think highly of ourselves, making us by far the most insane animal yet known to our own species.
I laugh. I do not consider myself a “fighter”, nor do I consider my self a “leader”, or anything in specific, though I think an “observer” would give to my current persona an accurate representation. I play accordingly, giving my self a script and following that scripts to near perfection, making some perceptive people around me question my “humanity” and by default going up to me to ask directly without a drop of shame or self-doubt, “Hey, are you really human?” To most this would certainly seem insane, or ridiculous, but the reality behind this question has emerged more than 4 times if I count with intention.
Why am I saying what I am saying? I guess I am in a state where I have nothing but to share words with the only species I know that understand what I say, or atleast the words I am writing. My species are intriguing to me, not interesting most of the time but I find that humans if given the required tools would be the most interesting creature I can think of yet. To some I am a sociopathic monster, to others an enlightened old soul, and to the rest simply a crazy human being whose tragedy has consumed to near insanity. To me, I do not care what I am, but I have consciously programmed myself to improve every aspect of this mind and body only because my biological programming is in a growth state. I can say that I am nothing, I have no intentions of commiting crimes, like I have no intentions of commiting altruistic actions. Curiosity to what I can observe the next minute, the next hour, day, month, year, century, or millenium is I think the only working engine I have to my disposition.
I am aware of this personas flaws and inconsistencies, aware that perhaps this core personality is nothing but the result of a past trauma, but things are what they are and my lack of intention to change something, or more importantly, my lack of interest for intention is far superior than any other unconscious programming of mine. I read your blogs as much as I can, I talk to people more than I care to admit, I observe so much that people have become nothing more than predictable patterns. The more I see, the more I comprehend, but the more I comprehend, the less sense it makes. Human beings, what can I say, fascinating creatures indeed. Only a paradox can explain human behavior because althought there is nothing special about them, they manage to be intriguing, and at times exciting.
For now I well indulge in my well known coffee addiction, end this blog, close my laptop, and sit on my roof as I watch cars pass by, wondering what purpose people find worthy of their short lives and why. I am truly nothing but curious, and glad I am not a cat as surely I’d be an example of an old proverb, if not the incarnation of it instead. It was… as a hedonist would put it, “a pleasure” to write for those reading my blog, as it is also a pleasure to read those who write for I who reads.
Enjoy right now, and from this personas advice, do not let another persons ideals shape your experience, wonders come when one is loyal to a singular perspective, the peak of an expression only experienced by those who are willing to sacrifice something superficial, for something truly beautiful. Hardships will come, but from broken wings, new hope never explored will emerge.