The shaping Trauma.

The shaping Trauma.

I truly do find life boring, everything about it is dull to my eyes, from the wonders to the fears, nothing about life is special to me, and yet my biological programming demands I live according to a natural purpose. To grow, procreate, and die is what I am programmed to do, just like many others. Though as humans it is also innate for us to find our existence special and unique, this ideal creates in us a delusional belief where we think highly of ourselves, making us by far the most insane animal yet known to our own species.

I laugh. I do not consider myself a “fighter”, nor do I consider my self a “leader”, or anything in specific, though I think an “observer” would give to my current persona an accurate representation. I play accordingly, giving my self a script and following that scripts to near perfection, making some perceptive people around me question my “humanity” and by default going up to me to ask directly without a drop of shame or self-doubt, “Hey, are you really human?” To most this would certainly seem insane, or ridiculous, but the reality behind this question has emerged more than 4 times if I count with intention.

Why am I saying what I am saying? I guess I am in a state where I have nothing but to share words with the only species I know that understand what I say, or atleast the words I am writing. My species are intriguing to me, not interesting most of the time but I find that humans if given the required tools would be the most interesting creature I can think of yet. To some I am a sociopathic monster, to others an enlightened old soul, and to the rest simply a crazy human being whose tragedy has consumed to near insanity. To me, I do not care what I am, but I have consciously programmed myself to improve every aspect of this mind and body only because my biological programming is in a growth state. I can say that I am nothing, I have no intentions of commiting crimes, like I have no intentions of commiting altruistic actions. Curiosity to what I can observe the next minute, the next hour, day, month, year, century, or millenium is I think the only working engine I have to my disposition.

I am aware of this personas flaws and inconsistencies, aware that perhaps this core personality is nothing but the result of a past trauma, but things are what they are and my lack of intention to change something, or more importantly, my lack of interest for intention is far superior than any other unconscious programming of mine. I read your blogs as much as I can, I talk to people more than I care to admit, I observe so much that people have become nothing more than predictable patterns. The more I see, the more I comprehend, but the more I comprehend, the less sense it makes. Human beings, what can I say, fascinating creatures indeed. Only a paradox can explain human behavior because althought there is nothing special about them, they manage to be intriguing, and at times exciting.

For now I well indulge in my well known coffee addiction, end this blog, close my laptop, and sit on my roof as I watch cars pass by, wondering what purpose people find worthy of their short lives and why. I am truly nothing but curious, and glad I am not a cat as surely I’d be an example of an old proverb, if not the incarnation of it instead. It was… as a hedonist would put it, “a pleasure” to write for those reading my blog, as it is also a pleasure to read those who write for I who reads.
Enjoy right now, and from this personas advice, do not let another persons ideals shape your experience, wonders come when one is loyal to a singular perspective, the peak of an expression only experienced by those who are willing to sacrifice something superficial, for something truly beautiful. Hardships will come, but from broken wings, new hope never explored will emerge.


The beauty of Aging.

The beauty of Aging.

When we’re young most of us dream of that day where we will be considered adults, we want to experience the liberty and wide variety of options this stage provides to us, many unaware of what this stage drags along, whether it be responsibilities, obligations, or essentially things that require a huge amount of will power to accomplish.

When we become young adults, many if not most realize that the life behind the young self, for the most part a student if this description applies, required no significant decision making as the options and outcomes of our consequences where small in comparison. We struggled, and fell in “negative” emotions, yes, but we didn’t know first hand what it was like to have the amount of freedom adults have.
With this being said, it’s easy to remember and empathize with that scene in the Spider Man movie, “With great power, comes great responsibility.” The irony behind this is that the quote is presented by a fairly old individual, all but giving more validity to this quote as the experience was most likely lived in first person.

Experiences and age do not go hand by hand, there are individuals of great age with a very erratic and/or unstable behavior, “childish” some might say. Then there are individuals with young age that present what some know as an “old soul” behavior and although the experiences may be limited, or perhaps not necessarily, the perspective in which one carries an existential outlook lies more within the individuals capacity to observe and experience an event. This ability given to some only with the pass of time.
Perhaps age might not be as simple as we might think, the traditional definition and connotation behind this word have no space for what I have come to find about the subjective nature of human individuals, in a year a person can age at the same rate of 3 years physiologically while not aging a single year cognitively by common standards, or on the contrary a person can age no years at all physiologically while aging 3 years cognitively.

There are so many factors that ones reasoning is blind to, and no matter how well defined ones reasoning prowess is considered to be, the infinite amount of factors behind events and situations cannot be observed by our biological capabilities and limitations, we are blind to simple facts regarding our personas that our judgement is in a constant state of clouded deception. Yes, we need to think highly of ourselves, we need to feel wanted, we need to feel happy, we need to be someone, much so that our culture revolves in glorifying these attributes by calling them “human” in nature, but if one puts enough thought into this fact, one can see why to an old figure none of this becomes essential to life or existence. Giving to someone the ability to acknowledge that perhaps the only way to “see” without self-deception or to others, be “happy” is to know that we don’t need to be something or someone, we already are something and someone, whether that something or someone has the value we consider or whether it’s relevant or not is another topic for another post.

There is so much that I didn’t talk about, and so much that I had to summarize, but in a few last and conclusive words, the beauty about aging to me is the definition time can give to a persona, making conversations and sometimes just the presence involving an old person interesting and enjoyable. The more time passes by the more I seem to lose what makes me human, and the more I seem to lose interest in events and people, but as a personal blog I will also cover that topic for another post if my viewers are interested. Also, I hope everyone had a great December like I hope everyone has a great New Years celebration, enjoy the moments!

Individuals are questions, groups are answers.

Individuals are questions, groups are answers.

I think that the power of individuality has become our greatest flaw, when one lives with legs and doesn’t walk, a possible virtue can deteriorate and die.
The ability to think for ourselves and learn to create connections has been used for the self, and that can lead to many things but the self in realization raises more questions than answers, one can have a Vision, but without the group, the Vision cannot be born.

An individual throughout history has made our whole what it is today, what people fail to realize is the importance of sacrifice, things cannot be led by all, and all have to become nothing at one point to keep a cycle of new Visions to lead our travel into the improvement of the whole, one must understand this concept because this is the concept that will lead our species to success and evolution.

If the species thought of a common purpose, perhaps the purpose of Progress and Prosperity, then our differences would become our strengths, and this would end all dispute to bigotry and harmful competitiveness, we can be different, but let us work together to make good use of this virtue, let it not deteriorate and die, but for our current structure to be molded into a better future we must repeat a common event that occurs through out history, have chaos and new beginnings will emerge, dark and hard at first but bright and hopeful later.

We live with the power of creation, our Vision must become an action,  and that action become human success.

The truth behind You.

The truth behind You.

Humanity will cease to exist when humanity transcends it’s boundries.

I want to use words to simply paint a picture, it’s fun to write and make not all the sense you want to make, but create an abstract picture on those that read the words you’ve written to allow a feeling. But there’s something I want to share.

All life in earth, all life anywhere, life in all, what people see from what they call “TV’s” is not life, but it is not a lie either. Movies with plots that make our souls jump and think outside ourselves for perhaps once, with stories that we do not live yet feel as if it were real. All that is, all concept learned from these things we call TV’s are only a version already explained from eyes that we feel are we, but are not.

When all human concept is taken out of place, when all human concept is taken out of grace, imperfection loses beauty and vision is lost truly. All that we hear, all that we see, when see from afar, behind that screen is not the beauty we see when humanity is you or me. It’s the excuse behind a barrier, the excuse behind us being foul, humans are imperfect that’s no mistery but romanticizing all does make harm for it is an excuse for the limitation we imply.

Pretentious existence when we think we are excused from mediocrity and our species as they stay fall, not today, not right now, but eventually all this foul vision will bring us not the beauty that we were shown but the destruction that we hid behind that beautiful image inside that show.

We will rise, when we fall.

Being Beyond and Insane.

Being Beyond and Insane.

Another day in the life of a Transcendental Nihilist.

It seems that all we have is our eyes and our understanding on subjects we think we understand.

It seems that all we have is nothing but ourselves yet want so much more

My existence can no longer be explained by words, I’ve lost nearly all sense of communication, and as I grow I get further and further from comprehension, is this what people call insanity? because if so it makes sense, there are states of being that not words, not pictures, not anything in this plain can explain. I’ve come to a place where in order to stay afloat I must have my own little book of terminology to make sense of not just existence but myself.

Like avéci, which is the word for existential understanding. Used to explain a current subjective state with no validation yet no flaw, only purpose for platform in a current state of momentum.

It goes beyond all, what we can’t see but things as wholes are nothing and paintings never stop painting always altering the meaning behind your vision, it transcends all we have to offer when we speak, I can’t see scenarios, I see patterns, I can’t hear music, I hear frequencies and all variations of these standard concepts.

My sleep is not sleep anymore, it’s an opportunity to go somewhere I haven’t found a word for yet. I can’t sleep without a force taking over and explaining to me things I can’t understand, yet this force, entity or being tries and tries to take me with it but I’m unable to as I am. All perception molds, and all words fail to show a spec of specs to the rest and the overwhelming feeling of not being, yet being beyond, give my existence a plot twist of extreme tragedy.

I miss my days as human for everyday seems to be a step towards something completely different, all humanity is being destroyed and from the crumbling pieces a new entity is being built, what is being built I don not know but there is no absolutes only an unconditional expansion of avéci as an existential core.

Walking Irregular Contradiction.

Walking Irregular Contradiction.

I like to consider myself a philosopher and writer among other things I relate to. But even I among the irregulars am a contradiction to popular beliefs and new age philosophies which seem to have become a predominant status amongst the modern public.

I studied and followed these philosophies at some point, became attached to them and for some time thought of them as the only truth, I thought love and light was all that should be considered and those who disagreed were ‘sheep’ as we’d come to know them in spiritual groups.

Over the time however I entered a state of being, where I felt there was more so I initiated a journey to what I like to call Transcendence. I pursued deeper understanding behind emotions, thoughts, truth and sentient nature, with the journey I managed to put at peace all my emotions, I became an empty vessel where I had none.

This journey brought to me the detachment of everything and as unbelievable as it may sound, my need for food, my need for companionship, my need for love and happiness, it all vanished. My body entered a state of pure emptiness, as time passed the lack of emotions was evident and my mind was processing thoughts at a much higher speed without biased concepts of duality perception.

I now currently believe there is no dual concepts such as good or bad, right or wrong, light or dark, morals, or other preconceived notions of something. To me, all opposite sides of the spectrum are nothing but different branches from the same tree, neither better or worse than the other just the same whole with an illusion of difference and separation.

I eventually had to re-attach to a more common standard in order to function properly in society, but ever since that event I could no longer fully return. If you follow my post you will see extreme unconventionality and opposing points of view. Nevertheless all subjective and in no way right or wrong.

Giving up on love.

As I’m living I can’t help but realize that although most of us as human individuals, considered to be natural social species seek love and only think of looking for that ideal partner.

I’ve been through many philosophies and experiences for my ‘age’, from moving states and cities often, from exploring different cultures when travelling with my parents, from relating to as many groups of individuals as I could, eventually only to notice that the expansion of my being has brought nothing but mere solitude and exclusion.

Perhaps out of all these things, my biggest realizations have told me to give up on romantic love and give it up for good. I’ve come to notice that some people, no matter how much they desire it, can’t love or can’t be loved. Of course I do believe that there is no shallowness behind seeking aesthetic beauty but not feeling like you’re designed to be loved can only help so much when seeking transcendence. I’m still human and these basic ‘needs’ as we call them still apply to my person, but I’m striving to become something that transcends needs and ‘natural’ behavior for I don’t believe in standards, only accepted currents.

My experiences have made me give up on this concept called “romantic love” and although to many this seems ridiculous or mad, I believe from the bottom of my being it’s the correct thing to do for I wasn’t meant to be loved.