The shaping Trauma.

The shaping Trauma.

I truly do find life boring, everything about it is dull to my eyes, from the wonders to the fears, nothing about life is special to me, and yet my biological programming demands I live according to a natural purpose. To grow, procreate, and die is what I am programmed to do, just like many others. Though as humans it is also innate for us to find our existence special and unique, this ideal creates in us a delusional belief where we think highly of ourselves, making us by far the most insane animal yet known to our own species.

I laugh. I do not consider myself a “fighter”, nor do I consider my self a “leader”, or anything in specific, though I think an “observer” would give to my current persona an accurate representation. I play accordingly, giving my self a script and following that scripts to near perfection, making some perceptive people around me question my “humanity” and by default going up to me to ask directly without a drop of shame or self-doubt, “Hey, are you really human?” To most this would certainly seem insane, or ridiculous, but the reality behind this question has emerged more than 4 times if I count with intention.

Why am I saying what I am saying? I guess I am in a state where I have nothing but to share words with the only species I know that understand what I say, or atleast the words I am writing. My species are intriguing to me, not interesting most of the time but I find that humans if given the required tools would be the most interesting creature I can think of yet. To some I am a sociopathic monster, to others an enlightened old soul, and to the rest simply a crazy human being whose tragedy has consumed to near insanity. To me, I do not care what I am, but I have consciously programmed myself to improve every aspect of this mind and body only because my biological programming is in a growth state. I can say that I am nothing, I have no intentions of commiting crimes, like I have no intentions of commiting altruistic actions. Curiosity to what I can observe the next minute, the next hour, day, month, year, century, or millenium is I think the only working engine I have to my disposition.

I am aware of this personas flaws and inconsistencies, aware that perhaps this core personality is nothing but the result of a past trauma, but things are what they are and my lack of intention to change something, or more importantly, my lack of interest for intention is far superior than any other unconscious programming of mine. I read your blogs as much as I can, I talk to people more than I care to admit, I observe so much that people have become nothing more than predictable patterns. The more I see, the more I comprehend, but the more I comprehend, the less sense it makes. Human beings, what can I say, fascinating creatures indeed. Only a paradox can explain human behavior because althought there is nothing special about them, they manage to be intriguing, and at times exciting.

For now I well indulge in my well known coffee addiction, end this blog, close my laptop, and sit on my roof as I watch cars pass by, wondering what purpose people find worthy of their short lives and why. I am truly nothing but curious, and glad I am not a cat as surely I’d be an example of an old proverb, if not the incarnation of it instead. It was… as a hedonist would put it, “a pleasure” to write for those reading my blog, as it is also a pleasure to read those who write for I who reads.
Enjoy right now, and from this personas advice, do not let another persons ideals shape your experience, wonders come when one is loyal to a singular perspective, the peak of an expression only experienced by those who are willing to sacrifice something superficial, for something truly beautiful. Hardships will come, but from broken wings, new hope never explored will emerge.


The beauty of Aging.

The beauty of Aging.

When we’re young most of us dream of that day where we will be considered adults, we want to experience the liberty and wide variety of options this stage provides to us, many unaware of what this stage drags along, whether it be responsibilities, obligations, or essentially things that require a huge amount of will power to accomplish.

When we become young adults, many if not most realize that the life behind the young self, for the most part a student if this description applies, required no significant decision making as the options and outcomes of our consequences where small in comparison. We struggled, and fell in “negative” emotions, yes, but we didn’t know first hand what it was like to have the amount of freedom adults have.
With this being said, it’s easy to remember and empathize with that scene in the Spider Man movie, “With great power, comes great responsibility.” The irony behind this is that the quote is presented by a fairly old individual, all but giving more validity to this quote as the experience was most likely lived in first person.

Experiences and age do not go hand by hand, there are individuals of great age with a very erratic and/or unstable behavior, “childish” some might say. Then there are individuals with young age that present what some know as an “old soul” behavior and although the experiences may be limited, or perhaps not necessarily, the perspective in which one carries an existential outlook lies more within the individuals capacity to observe and experience an event. This ability given to some only with the pass of time.
Perhaps age might not be as simple as we might think, the traditional definition and connotation behind this word have no space for what I have come to find about the subjective nature of human individuals, in a year a person can age at the same rate of 3 years physiologically while not aging a single year cognitively by common standards, or on the contrary a person can age no years at all physiologically while aging 3 years cognitively.

There are so many factors that ones reasoning is blind to, and no matter how well defined ones reasoning prowess is considered to be, the infinite amount of factors behind events and situations cannot be observed by our biological capabilities and limitations, we are blind to simple facts regarding our personas that our judgement is in a constant state of clouded deception. Yes, we need to think highly of ourselves, we need to feel wanted, we need to feel happy, we need to be someone, much so that our culture revolves in glorifying these attributes by calling them “human” in nature, but if one puts enough thought into this fact, one can see why to an old figure none of this becomes essential to life or existence. Giving to someone the ability to acknowledge that perhaps the only way to “see” without self-deception or to others, be “happy” is to know that we don’t need to be something or someone, we already are something and someone, whether that something or someone has the value we consider or whether it’s relevant or not is another topic for another post.

There is so much that I didn’t talk about, and so much that I had to summarize, but in a few last and conclusive words, the beauty about aging to me is the definition time can give to a persona, making conversations and sometimes just the presence involving an old person interesting and enjoyable. The more time passes by the more I seem to lose what makes me human, and the more I seem to lose interest in events and people, but as a personal blog I will also cover that topic for another post if my viewers are interested. Also, I hope everyone had a great December like I hope everyone has a great New Years celebration, enjoy the moments!

How Vague Words are, how it Shifts.

I’m not sure what to write but I will write anyway, that’s kind of what I do everytime I have something inside me that I can’t see, I write vaguely for a while and after a few sentences words pour down just like the river finds the sea, naturally.

With such ease I find meaningless everywhere, I create branches trying to give meaning and although giving meaning to things is easy, it seems superficial and no where near an actual absolute. All I see is what I want to see, nothing reliable, nothing viable, all but an extension of what fits my subconscious mind to live, and when I break these barriers I lose what I call sanity, all it takes is a bit of effort, a bit of thinking, a bit of coffee sometimes.

I live by time, all progressively in a linear manner, although time seems linear, it’s random spirals intersecting each other and that is my mind, past, present, future and the concepts within time I have no knowledge of, it’s chaos, the misunderstanding of cause and effect, I feel so primitive, I feel so incomplete, and I cringe at the idea of the actual me, it is not what I am, I know.

The only absolute I hold is there is no absolutes, creating in my conclusion a pardox that feeds from me every chance it can, my existential understanding, all but primitive thoughts from a primitive species with superiority complex, not nearly as worthy as it should be accounted for, and yet this feeling of success feels so supreme and real, I differ, I know our race is not master, not complete, we have work to do I believe, realms not even part of our vision spectrum lying right in front of us and if the possibility surged then we would be able to create like the gods most of us worship.

The potential of humanity, lies in constant change, a change that does not stop in absolutes and does not stop in egotistical thinking, individuality to serve collectiveness. A world where we think individually as an I to help the We.

The Human Race is but the past of a Master Race that we will become when we rid ourselves from this attachment we consider absolute and prime.