I’m at my local coffee shop and as I take a sip from my coffee I ponder the idea that I really have no plan, and the plans that I thought I had were actually not of my own, they were fed to me by my supervisors and parents. Go to College, get a degree in a well paying field and work hard so you can be ‘happy’ and ‘successful’.
Well over the years, my life experiences have taught me many things and one of those things that naturally protrudes from my mind is that “Nothing is predictable” and “Things don’t always go as planned”. After doing extensive research and trying to find other ways that I can call my own, I discovered the unconventional path of subject experience rather than academic titles.
So I now have decided I wont be pursuing college, it really isn’t a thing for most but it can work for some, for me personally it’s not an option. My goal in life rather than make a living is to create and as a creator I like to consider myself an entrepreneur. To me life is about Business and Investing, talk about financial freedom, nothing worthy comes without struggles.
So I’ve decided that rather than spend over 4 years of college with debts over 50,000 dlls, I’ll manage my time and exchange it for experience, money and opportunities because to me life is about understanding and being faithful to what you believe is your reason be or live, It’s painful to be outside norms because all you think is company fades as you leave the path most want you take.
My parents, my friends, all companionship but my owns is gone. They don’t encourage my vision, they don’t provide support and the when you’re in a lonely place all you have is yourself. It’s not selfish to focus on yourself, I think the most important relationship you can have is the one you have with yourself and when you’re looking to go nowhere, that’s all you will ever really need so be faithful to yourself, learn to live and be one with what you are.
I like to consider myself a philosopher and writer among other things I relate to. But even I among the irregulars am a contradiction to popular beliefs and new age philosophies which seem to have become a predominant status amongst the modern public.
I studied and followed these philosophies at some point, became attached to them and for some time thought of them as the only truth, I thought love and light was all that should be considered and those who disagreed were ‘sheep’ as we’d come to know them in spiritual groups.
Over the time however I entered a state of being, where I felt there was more so I initiated a journey to what I like to call Transcendence. I pursued deeper understanding behind emotions, thoughts, truth and sentient nature, with the journey I managed to put at peace all my emotions, I became an empty vessel where I had none.
This journey brought to me the detachment of everything and as unbelievable as it may sound, my need for food, my need for companionship, my need for love and happiness, it all vanished. My body entered a state of pure emptiness, as time passed the lack of emotions was evident and my mind was processing thoughts at a much higher speed without biased concepts of duality perception.
I now currently believe there is no dual concepts such as good or bad, right or wrong, light or dark, morals, or other preconceived notions of something. To me, all opposite sides of the spectrum are nothing but different branches from the same tree, neither better or worse than the other just the same whole with an illusion of difference and separation.
I eventually had to re-attach to a more common standard in order to function properly in society, but ever since that event I could no longer fully return. If you follow my post you will see extreme unconventionality and opposing points of view. Nevertheless all subjective and in no way right or wrong.
As I’m living I can’t help but realize that although most of us as human individuals, considered to be natural social species seek love and only think of looking for that ideal partner.
I’ve been through many philosophies and experiences for my ‘age’, from moving states and cities often, from exploring different cultures when travelling with my parents, from relating to as many groups of individuals as I could, eventually only to notice that the expansion of my being has brought nothing but mere solitude and exclusion.
Perhaps out of all these things, my biggest realizations have told me to give up on romantic love and give it up for good. I’ve come to notice that some people, no matter how much they desire it, can’t love or can’t be loved. Of course I do believe that there is no shallowness behind seeking aesthetic beauty but not feeling like you’re designed to be loved can only help so much when seeking transcendence. I’m still human and these basic ‘needs’ as we call them still apply to my person, but I’m striving to become something that transcends needs and ‘natural’ behavior for I don’t believe in standards, only accepted currents.
My experiences have made me give up on this concept called “romantic love” and although to many this seems ridiculous or mad, I believe from the bottom of my being it’s the correct thing to do for I wasn’t meant to be loved.
When I fall in the brink of insanity
I’m lost and can’t find myself, I’ve fallen.
I need help, but that seems a distant dream,
The attention given to my mistakes blurs my need for help.
No matter how much the raven speaks, it’s wings…
They’re broken, it can no longer fly.
Only legs to explore the world, it’s all nightmare,
From below the heavens, it all seems hell.
Birds can only see and hope, as the sun shuts down.
The demons of the earth reveal the agony of loss.
Earth creatures see and attack, the moons glow shines,
Only a show of the blood drawn from this creature.
Oh heavens, why must magnificence die,
To live and fall, only to see the end with broken wings.
Broken hope, when death approaches the blood becomes…
Wings fall and rot, only to be replaced by claws and fangs.
And as the cycle enters the last round,
Agony once more turned into strength, into new hope.
The raven died, but from it’s corpse a beast was born,
Hell becomes it’s kingdom and predators it’s prey.
New hope, new beginnings, new life.